2024-07-13 2024-07-14 12:06am, 12:31am, 12:45am, 12:58am 2024-10-20 we are so back, oh look our good friend #finesse is chillin' here. very nice. 2024-10-20 ~11:30 -> 1:39pm -s 2024-10-20 ~8:30 -> 10:30pm -s 2024-10-21 5:03pm, home -s

Cognitive Map aka "Shock Collar"

Placeholder for tidied Science.

Pre- aka Repo

CHEER UP!

#Bit_By_Bit #THREE_LETTERS #Winning #DSG #Logo #Art #Jank #Charm #Money_For_Nothing #Paint_Brush The paint brush stroke sensually on his shoulder. New brush? How does that make you feel?

bit
what's the bit
trying to cheer you upu
i'll paint a new logo
DSG!!
the three letters
in
a
very
artsy
way
yeah
fan art
fan art
fan art
fan art
fan art
#Fan_Art #Sex_Telegra
- thanks toast, i can always count on you for your vertical progression. -s
  - #Art_Manipulation
  - #Sexual_Abuse
  - #ToastLily #Marriage
    - #Kids #Functions
      - #Parent #Child
always nice
are you going to join us
yeah
i
am
sorry about your loss
its
ok
ok
we really learned a lot
i
really
like
your
DSG
logo
you
should
keep
it
forever
jankiness
part
of
charm
keep it if don't make playoffs
if
make playoffs then we'll change it ==February 1st, 2023==

Yu.

#kleptomania #ToastLily #Fake_Name #Alias #clout_chase #Anonymous_Tip #Romance Toast & Lily get drunk and go to a gala together. Tries to steal a fork, clout chase for a aquafina & everything everywhere all at once star. A random event, where they're nobody. A hot date, if you will. Shenanigans amiss

#Deception #Effortless #Say_What_You_Like Alias: Yu. 4:13

Tracking

#Compliation #Track_Record Lily agrees that her view on relationships is like grade school

5:50
- it just kind of happened,
  - i don't know what to say?
    - ==albert?==
  - how do you explain it?

Not much to say here (just for safe keepings, when i'll inevitably go look at it again), just the same gaslighting dynamic. Michael really loved Lily first, so it lines up with Lily being incredibly passive and Michael initiating the break up of Albert. It's a couple duo, whose goal is for themselves, and themselves only.

I encourage you to pick out cute moments, as well. That's why I'm not going over this one too much. Those DMs are so dirty, it is a crime scene.

Webbing: On the Count of Conspiracy

This is 2 months after Toast aggressively grabbing Lily during the many ramen challenge.

2x speed
- piano
- perfect transition, never notice, we're back
  - back
  - back
  - back
    - hehehehe
  - masterful transition.
    - flawless
      - surprise birthday
  - confession to make
- ok
  - i'll be right back
    - yes
      - you're streaming it's live right now
        
        stream live got it
      - my back actually kind of hurts
    - thank you for the raid #aria
  - plays piano for under one minute
- im trying to perfect that song
  - goal:
    - [inaudible castle something] ? cosplay of sophie, grand piano, record it 2:11 concert hall
  - that's going to take awhile, hard song to play without mistakes.
    - jesus christ
      - my back is, oh my god
    - why are we playing games
      - i was quite happy in the kitchen
    - he set all of this up already
  - it's so troll
    - i got him a phone for birthday,
      - hawaii trip for my birthday
    - then,
      - vegas stuff paid
        
        this is everything
      - he got me another
        
        i'm going to give him another too!
    - we just keep giving each other presents
  - why are we here?
    - to play games
      - vidya
    - ok
    - ok
    - ok
    - do we need sound?
      - it's fine, it's fine
        
        hawaii, ?
        
        we're going to do that right after arcane
      - where's my phone
        
        i have a picture
        
        it's 11 11
        
        make a wish
        
        sorry
      - shows picture of bokeh night couple picture, you know the one
    - i'm posting at exactly 12am
      - oooh my back
        
        did you set the game to smash?
        
        nope.
        
        that's fien i'll do it
      - i can't do it right now
        
        ==there's an air of tension here.==
    - mods
      - i've been streaming for 10 years
        
        i don't know what that is
      - zero
        
        thank you!
      - has controller thanks michael
        
        you know i play worse when drunk
      - there's a fall off point
        
        i'm sorry even my mods are like–
      - @'d ?
        
        i apologize
        
        i think they bought it
        
        ==game sound loud==
      - special relationship?
    - we have a very social relationship
      - you're playing mario
      - i play luigi.
    - wait hold on
      - please mario
  - ==playing the game now.==
    - i'm ready
    - i'm ready
    - inting, falling off map as luigi - lily
      - i can't even concentrate right now - lily
    - this x is crusty.
      - ==barely playing the game==
        
        my x is crusty, i need you to know this
        
        it's super crusty, feel it
        
        it's crusty, right?
      - … game is afk.
    - ==afk…== crusty
      - michael walks away
  - lily gets up too 9:00
    - stretches
- piano book?
  - Ghilbli Best Scores
    - approved by [inaudible] that's why i got it
- wanna see the art board at least?
  - that's ok? that's ok?
  - [inaudibles]
    - thank you
      - thank you
    - can we start over?
      - i don't know what i'm doing
    - play champions we know how to play
      - no
      - no
      - no
        
        smiling - lily
        
        hanenbow
        
        sky}}}}}
      - i do think smash has a lot of fire emblem characters
        
        and a lot are too samesies.
        
        ==fire emblem chatter==
        
        many characters. 11:15
      - can you stoooooop?
        
        it's really hard to play games
        
        leans towards michael
        
        michael ints.
        
        "i know how to play"
        
        mario has no recovery
        
        i'm about to 5-0 you.
        
        if i was few more percent, then something}}}}}
      - it actually hurts, back pain.
    - advil ~13:25
    - i'm also really drunk
      - you can't do that! you can't do that! 13:50
        
        it's not just my birthday, it's your birthday
        
        ==abandonment flirt.==
        
        instinctively
        
        my back hurts
      - she even asked me, i should have told her, why do i do this to myself. "is it your heart?" i should have said yeah
        
        instinctively, no came out ==huh?==
        
        then you can't say no again
        
        michael
        
        exactly!
        
        exactly!
        
        realistically wouldn't have mattered
        
        such a bad habit.
        
        better to say what you want
        
        than like,
        
        bottling it up.
        
        ==say what you want. especially when it comes to instantly denying people. i'm not sure who this is referencing, it's a fragment. doctor? maybe. unlikely, the doctor doesn't care about your heart.==
        
        ==back pain.==
      - why?
    - ==lily wins, and they get up and hug profusely. that's just your average smash bros game.==
      - ==that's the sign of a desperate internal struggle on the daily, & the looming manifestation of it over time.==
    - go again game 2
  - they kiss between smashes, deaths
    - ==thanks for 4x, gaming for life baybeeee==
  - plenty of laughter.
    - ==5x. gaming for life.==
    - ==6x. how illuminating.==
    - ==almost time… 27:11==
  - gift
- exchange
1x, 29:37
- happy birthday michael!
  - open your eyes now.
- just look inside
  - that's from my brother
- wait!
  - yeah here.
    - it's a hawaiian t-shirt
      - that's nice, i lvoe it
        
        look at the price tag
      - ughhhh
        
        matching shorts
        
        i'm going to put them on
        
        alright
      - matching
        
        matching
      - matching
        
        matching
      - matching
        
        matching
      - matching
        
        matching
      - it's funny
        
        i got it for memes
      - comfy at least?
    - we're leaving today
      - we'll be back on the 26th 31:22
        
        vlog, but no stream for 6 days
      - …
    - …
      - …
    - …
      - …
    - …
      - oh boy here we go
        
        aha
        
        i'm so ready for hawaiian
        
        i haven't been home in 21/2 years
        
        you look amazing!
        
        big hug, lifting hug
        
        you have so much drip
        
        upcoming italy
      - so cute!
        
        nother big hug, sitting this time
      - stay in the room, ok?
    - …
      - ahhh back pain, again
        
        why does my back hurt so much?
      - i don't think my back should hurt this much from a back massage. ==oh, so a botched massage caused this much pain? personally i prefer to lean towards lily's somatic illness from her condition. her mind is dreaming up that pain quite nicely. just look at the vod from the other day, she ate fast and was having severe cramping. that's more likely a somatic, dreamt up illness more than anything. not saying you can't have a botched illness, but look around. she seems to always have some sort of pain. the mind is more than capable of dreaming up pain, it's rooted in us. somatic illness. it's a form of pain when your mind can't comprehend others all too well, or your mind processes pain in a warped fashion. i'll do the research myself, but i know i'm closer to the truth than not.==
        
        i'm just getting old
      - 100 gifted
        
        thank you very much: hitsuji_balls
        
        use it to buy food in hawaii
        
        i also
        
        got a custom air freshner
        
        next day shipping
        
        drives a lot
        
        did not come on time
        
        really sad about that one
        
        i got miyoung one too. 34:43
        
        ==hair. hair. hair. hair. that is the creepiest hair stroke i've ever seen.==
        
        #miyoung - doesn't like these people, i totally see you, did before, but y'know.
        
        he doesn't check her mail, even though she's been streaming for a poop ton of time
        
        ==lily is telegraphing her sexual thoughts for miyoung? probably.==
        
        #micahelreeves- "close your eyes" - returns
        
        lily closes eyes, is in anticpiation her legs jossling
        
        michael brings a large card out.
        
        we're going to hawaii!
        
        hawaii! yay!
        
        big surprise wow!
        
        hawaii
        
        we already knew that
        
        ==this is the shit your grandparents do.==
        
        ~35:35
        
        i used your note, you used my note
        
        close your eyes again
        
        another gift,
        
        oh my god!!!!! no way!! i'm goign to cry!!!
        
        ==babifying==
        
        oh my back! it hurts!
        
        ==interruption of the babyfying==
        
        ==psychosomatic, that boy needs therapy.==
        
        ==Que Sera, Sera.==
        
        i think i have that one on vinyl, might have to spin it tomorrow. -s
        
        it's a cute pink bag
        
        i'm going to use this forever
        
        thank you very much
        
        more hugging
        
        mumbles more words of affirmation
        
        i love it!
        
        all my cards together, in there right now.
        
        wanna go out now?
        
        yeah! instant - Michael
        
        it's really cute though look!
        
        ==it's a generic pink bag.==
        
        thank you! thank you!
        
        more hugs!!
        
        now we both have stuff to take to hawaii
        
        YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
        
        pink one much much better
        
        awwwwwwwwh this is so cute
        
        i love it
        
        this is my favourite
        
        more incessant hugging
        
        happy birthday!
        
        (off screen)
        
        kinda small i like that
        
        this is so cute, oh my god
        
        (on screen)
        
        happy!
        
        happy!
        
        is this suppose to be this short
        
        i kind of like it too
        
        super cute
        
        super tiny
        
        ==oral fixation on bags. wow. whodda thunk it?==
        
        places a glass on her piano, it's over top of something idk.
        
        comfy merch
        
        merch
      - merch
    - 69 dollars
  - haha, sex word, laughs uncontrollably
- more over the shoulder hugging
- as soon as it hits 12, i'm going to peace and watch arcane
  - i told them to go live at 12am
    - this is so stupid, on camera, hawaiian drip
  - saying it's stupid, her gift
    - i'm going to wear this everyday
  - i'm never washing
    - what do you want to do in hawaii
  - temmie! bark bark
    - hey stop it, bad dog
      - lots of bug spray
    - i hate bugs 41:33
  - oh god ok
    - teach me how to boogeyboard?
      - yeah that's actually pretty fun
        
        i can't wait
      - arcane is in 12 minutes
    - i'm so excited
      - mwah kisses dog
        
        i'm gonna go in 12 minutes
      - first thing in hawaii
    - my mom has a day off, ==0.7x. let's hear it #MichaelReeves ==
      - good bye mom im going to 7-11
        
        might say hi at airport
        
        good fucking bye mom,
        
        i'm going to 7-11
        
        to get ==spam mr beast? some food item idk some asian shit==
        
        i get to meet your mom that's exciting
        
        then,
        
        beach
        
        come if you want sneaky giggle, snuck in at the end. he thought that was really funny. cum if you want. it's not that funny, you're suppose to be having a cherished day, it's the lowest hanging fruit. the timing wasn't nearly as good as he thinks. i mean if the timing is the timing, then the timing is the timing.
        
        "i'd like that" - ==tries to softly de-escalate the incessant hug-a-thon that's aggressive in nature. image creep. that's who she wants to be, soft like that.==
        
        ==lily dashes past him== ~42:25
        
        THIS REALLY HURTS
        
        i don't think you're suppose to feel this in pain after a back rub
        
        it's insane
        
        aren't you suppose to feel better
        
        massage for your massage
        
        i'll do that
        
        thanks!
        
        what do you want to do kiss on the top of hand
        
        i want to spend time with you
        
        ==creepy.==
        
        yeah a lot of activities - nice #MichaelReeves very smooth.
        
        what do you want to do?
        
        buahahahahahahahahahaha both
        
        ==get it guys, they're having sex? wow. we didn't get that from the early point where they're incessantly hugging and bickering over the same generic $1.50 life they've been living for the past multi dashed cringelord years.==
        
        thanks imane for the multi-dashed thing, i remember it now. she's a multi-hypenated something. i bet her hymen is feeling mighty great after that hawaii trip.
        
        that's what a beach is!
        
        i wanna get away
        
        yeah!
        
        i wanna have flowers
        
        they opened a jollibee recently
        
        oh!
        
        i had jollibee at least once or twice
        
        one wal-mart on the island
        
        i want to meet your parents
        
        i want to make flower stuff
        
        so we can put it on each other as crowns
        
        ok!!! Michael is the guy at the bar pretending to care she what she has to say.
        
        ok.
        
        i want to relax a lot, for sure.
        
        spend time with you, eat good food
        
        make memories ~44:00 ==pay attention to Michael's face, he is acting like that random guy at the bar just wanting to get laid. he's listening to her drone on about her diva life. it shows in his face as well. he loves it though, at the end of the day. even if he thinks she's a shallow bitch.==
        
        show me like
        
        stuff, show me stuff
      - ==very engaging==
    - 9 minutes i'm so excited
      - so fun
        
        ==hair movements, again. pretension, tension. what's happening?== 44:28
      - UGHHHHHH my back
    - we're staying at an airbnb or something
      - i can't find my letter.
    - i feel like i left it downstairs
      - the letter that daniel wrote me (brother)
    - i can go
      - NO! don't go NO! i'll get it for you
        
        ==dominant display.==
      - ==this is what acting is to the average person, they'd call the scenario, guy and girl at bar, guy wants to get laid really bad, so he has to show a performative act of dominance against the droning diva.==
    - i hear a lot of people ==? i hear a lot of people? who asked, where is this coming from? 45:15 no one talks to their chat like that.==
  - STAY! STAY! let's go up stairs. it's really cute. ==that's the abadonment play, Michael acts completely performative in his dominance anywhere, for that matter, and suddenly Lily's on Cloud9. #MichaelReeves is probably the most passive aggressive person ever. so i suppose this is a landmark event.==
  - playing along, it's really cute
    - #devaluation #idealization
    - it's his birthday too, you know. ==this plays into perception, and the splitting and devaluation, perceived abandonment. they're both playing the same. they are the same one way or another, even though Michael's psyche is much different. they feel at one.==
  - it's our birthday, so whatever.
    - temmie is such a dead giveaway.
      - i'm going to act surprised, ok.
    - laughs uncontrollably, blocking her laughter with the letter Michael gave her
      - i'm really excited for Arcane ==Arcane in 7 minutes? no sane person counts down like this to a pretty basic event in one's life. even if it is a really good TV show, not like this. i remember hosting Game Of Thrones viewings at my party. it was never about counting down the minutes, it was about hyping up from the previous episode, and what could happen. i find it strange the way the surprise, the arcane of it all if you will so well telegraphed and obvious, and yet the pretension is immense. the way they hug and kiss is only playing on the audience's heart strings to win approval. nothing more, nothing less. it's aggressive they way they approach the audience.==
    - that is so cute.
  - that's truly cute
    - you know i have #imaneanys birthday gift from 2 years ago?
      - it's a lily.
        
        ==it's a lily. lol.==
      - a lily ornament thingy for like,
        
        i have like two things from her over here
      - it's realllllly cute!
      - it's reallllllllly cute!
        
        really pretty things
        
        really cute
        
        smiles like a school girl
      - AWHHH FUCK MY BACK~! ==head over heels in love with imane.==
    - guys if you ever have a back massage, it's painful. don't be afraid to tell them what you really want. ==isn't that what you wanted?==
      - even if you're going to make them feel bad.
        
        you got to tell them,
        
        otherwise you're just going to be in pain later
        
        and regret it.
        
        tell them what you want
        
        god i should have told them
        
        ughhhhhhhha acwhwhhacwhawh
        
        uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
        
        it kinda, oh god! i have this habit
        
        if someone messes up order, i won't say anything
        
        i'll just be like, yeah it's ok i'll try it out.
        
        ==terminal fakery. duplicity in the minor degree here. it's ok to not like things, always.==
        
        47:47

Signing off, I have to go work my other job in the morning. Lots of coding to be done on the application. I work in many branches, not just writing.

❤️
with love, toodaloo~
for imane, and anyone affected.
❤️

[[2024-10-20]]
10:10PM CST
—𝓼

Yeah lilz, let's go with that narrative. Narrative. That's the answer. The girls are immature, and the Scarra, Toast, (Michael) telling you that you did nothing wrong, then you did nothing wrong. Makes sense to me.

I'd love to break this down, but y'all can do that for me. Maybe tomorrow, I have a life, and I need rest so I can live that life. It's 12:50am, way past my bed time. 2024-10-20

Up next: one sec, another keycap broke and I left the plastic bit under the replacement key. hold up 12:57pm. I also have to eat in a sec.

Begin: Dr K. breakdown "preparing for the enslavement"

gotta stretch
- limbs feel very
  - sigh
    - waiting for the engagement -ed
  - michael
- michael
  - oh shit
    - oh my gosd
      - you're standing there waiting for me
        
        ==anticipation, pretension==
      - come in ==pacing in your room because your guilty conscious is off the radar.==
        
        take a seat
        
        ok
        
        ok
        
        sure
        
        twitch
        
        it's a thing where you donate and shit
        
        final level
        
        i'm using it for content
        
        you already succeeded in the goal
        
        how bad if i left
        
        if you win you can leave
        
        rock, paper
        
        leaves
        
        ?
        
        here
        
        here
        
        michael
        
        he lefty
        
        cuts to him back ==he left guys, abandonment play.==
        
        you're not just content to me, you know that 1:30
        
        i value you as a friend, right
        
        michael has none of it
        
        i'll believe it when i see it
        
        that's ok
        
        find that meme on the subreddit
        
        where
        
        this one
        
        pshhhhhhh lol
        
        this one
        
        enslaved content
        
        how do you show this to the chat
        
        enslaved content ==where have i seen this before?==
        
        i really like this
      - enslaved
        
        it's uh
        
        it's a meme on this meme
    - enslaved moisture ==michael loves his meme convolution.==
      - go away
  - ok
    - i understand
      - i get it
        
        that instead of that
        
        do you want to leave
        
        nah
        
        i want food
        
        you can go anytime you want
        
        you can go
        
        now i want to go to spite you
      - sure?
        
        mhm
        
        how are you feeling michael
      - pretty good
        
        tired
      - i'll play a couple games
    - did the same thing, did yesterday
      - how did that make you feel
        
        the games
      - unproductive
        
        but
        
        good
      - because i like playing league of legends
        
        what did you do before league
        
        …
        
        -ed
        
        not a god damn thing
      - and how did that make you feel
        
        opens journal
        
        feelings
        
        alright
      - alright
        
        michael stares at her with endearment ==he loves it.==
        
        one therapist and you're my psychiatrist
        
        what did you do before
        
        not writing words down
        
        drawing a picture of me ==not writing, drawing pictures of her "friends?" no, sorry. lovers. where have i seen that before?==
        
        what's on this notebook is not important
        
        woke up
        
        interesting in vegan?
        
        animals, do you like
        
        yeah
        
        do you think it's a little hypocritical
        
        some good notes
        
        shows michael drawing
        
        when shower
        
        yesterday
        
        psshhh yeah right
        
        weird that i shower once every two days
        
        chat finds it weird
        
        every single time i try to explain this
        
        they think im dirty
        
        do i look dirty
        
        i look fine
        
        how can you even tell over stream
        
        i don't sweat, i don't move
        
        when i play league, i sweat
        
        that's all we were doing
        
        laughter, i'm sweating
        
        do i smell
        
        how do you feel about art
        
        our current problem with league
        
        always end up playing 6 7 games
        
        until we win a game
        
        are we happy
        
        less happy?
        
        quit at losing
        
        why do we always continue
        
        if something doesn't make us happy
        
        why do we keep doing it
        
        chasing the high
        
        when to cut our losses
        
        ==pre-meditation in full affect, the early days.==
        
        ==art,==
        
        actual addiction
        
        when we do win the game
        
        it feels like nothing
        
        how does that make you feel
        
        michael smiles at her, in endearment
        
        it's us
        
        points drawing of both of them to camera
      - it's cute
        
        i'd never wear that shirt
        
        yeah cross out the turtle, cross is the straw
        
        alright im done
        
        thanks for coming to my therapy session
        
        no a discussion
        
        a conversation
        
        i'm not a doctor
        
        serious
        
        i'm really good at giving advice
        
        advices
        
        when did you want
        
        we have a problem with league of legends and productivity
        
        how remedy?
        
        people ask me ho9w im feeling since yesterday
      - i feel fine
        
        i was very emotional yesterday
        
        i went into discussion/convo
        
        i'm going to be cool, not cry
        
        surface level details
        
        nice friendly conversation - 8:05
        
        ==this isn't courageous. she's playing her hand, why would you ever think you're playing it cool in coming out with such a traumatic event? that's why overcoming your fears are so terrifying in the first place. i understand though, she went all in on being a predator. that's the fear she's conquering, didn't take much. she was gladly going to do it anyway.==
        
        7 minutes in crying
        
        blabbing finally, a chance for sym dot sc to go vertical. it's been a second.
        
        i couldn't
        
        i couldn't
        
        really hard for me
        
        ==cloak==
        
        empath
        
        that
        
        do
        
        you
        
        believe
        
        in
        
        such
        
        thing
        
        as
        
        an
        
        empath
        
        cool
        
        term
        
        that
        
        people
        
        use
        
        actually
        
        a
        
        thing
        
        someone
        
        who
        
        feels more emotional
        
        that's a category for more emotional
        
        empath Complete disarray in emotional regulation.
        
        too The empath quandary.
        
        cool
        
        sounds
        
        too
        
        cool Cool? Yeah, I can see the desire for being average human with feelings. Moth to a flame. Can't seek behavioural correction, prefer to behaviourally correct others for herself.
        
        its
        
        like
        
        yknow
        
        lilytwo talking
        
        lily Evidence of a disturbed individual insidiously flying under the radar.
        
        two
        
        i
        
        cant
        
        be
        
        that
        
        cool
        
        i
        
        cant
        
        be
        
        that
        
        empath
        
        you
        
        need
        
        to
        
        accept
        
        you're
        
        an
        
        empath
        
        stop
        
        saying
        
        it
        
        like
        
        that
        
        woah
        
        you're
        
        an
        
        empath
        
        announcing
        
        a
        
        super
        
        power ==power trip==
        
        i've ==verticality, is my pleasure. i'm just that good.==
        
        never ==lily on the verge of mask off, michael steers the course, correction.==
        
        like
        
        what
        
        are
        
        you
        
        doing
        
        you
        
        just
        
        put
        
        your
        
        hand Turn it off. Good trip on personality, Michael. Shows how complicit you are in all your girlfriend's desires to have many girlfriends to satisfy, her many egos.
        
        turning off computer
        
        it's ok if you want to turn off computer
        
        lily two talking
        
        lily one ==degeneracy? nah. criminality.==
        
        i'm trying ==dark humour is a trip for lily's personalities.==
        
        treat
        
        me
        
        nicely
        
        you
        
        know
        
        ==condescension, baked in. this is the womanly response. BE NICE TO ME! my sister, did the same thing the other day. you have to prove to me that you're a kind person over the course of many weeks, many months, many years. typically is characteristic of a negative male presence in their life, or lack thereof one. michael is a negative presence, toast is a negative presence, jummy is a negative presence. people need to be able to help themselves before they can be considered for reproach.==
        
        treat
        
        lilytwo
        
        nice
        
        nice
        
        on
        
        stream
        
        lily
        
        two
        
        it's
        
        ok
        
        to
        
        be
        
        lily
        
        two
        
        it's
        
        a
        
        part
        
        of
        
        you
        
        i
        
        can't
        
        kill
        
        her
        
        ==fight club==
        
        both
        
        yin
        
        yang
        
        not really.
        
        ==michael encourages the "yin and yang" and loves it. the abandonment play is what he loves, they're made for each other. lily shows signs of suffering right here. it's kind of sad, really. then you realize how awful she really is.==

Sure, Michael. You need "both of them." That's just encouraging mental illness, for the sake of your masturbatory desires. There's no glory in using people, and your time will surely run out. My time, doesn't run out. Because I'm timeles

Begin: FedMyster kicked out of Off

i don't even know where to begin
- past few days
  - i asked #scarra sooner you get this over with you're better
    - i'm going to talk about this anyway
  - past few days,
    - guilt
    - shame
    - sadness
      - i feel like i've been minducked
        
        my friends have been telling me one thing
      - another group of people telling me something else
      - lotta conflict
        
        what do i believe
        
        what do i believe in
        
        ==say it.==
        
        i took down the original tweet, because people downplaying
        
        i didn't say no
        
        just cuddling
        
        it's problem i have where i'm minimizing things
        
        it's a problem i've had for years 1:14
        
        my world was crashing down
        
        public
        
        minimizing it again
        
        world crashing down
        
        initial
        
        #scarra
        
        lot of people were trivializing it
        
        i'm a pushover, toob ig
        
        i just believe people
        
        scarra, yvonne in bg 1:42
        
        high school drama?
        
        that's what OTV is
        
        this issue is very serious
        
        scarra, toast, michael, most mature
        
        ==men. she finds men intimidating to the very root of her being. the girls, they are immature, that's narrative she loves. it's clear as day.==
        
        tell me repeatedly that i didn't do anything wrong
        
        i'm not a bad person
        
        random people on internet
        
        always be contextual details not public
        
        i believe scarra etc.
        
        to be honest not worth anymore
        
        i need to move on
        
        learn
        
        no apology
        
        if they tell me nothing wrong
        
        why would i do so?
        
        i'm trying not to
        
        when i think about #fedmyster
        
        i didn't think it was bad at all
        
        i still have trouble believing it was bad.
        
        ==her words, not mine.==
        
        ==if toast, michael, scarra, men, tell me i'm not bad, then i'm not bad.==
        
        tell me that wasn't right
        
        i'm going to want me to believe me
        
        i'm surrounded by psychopaths,
        
        hopefully that's not the case
        
        i think they are trustworthy people
        
        ==surrounded by psychopaths? she's always at odds with people's insights, so she has to confirm for herself all the time, can't have anyone else like her in the room, really. terminal diva, in the criminal sense.==
        
        3:22
        
        no one tells the truth
        
        #yvonne
        
        of course i'm going to let her include my account,
        
        perspective
        
        i thought of future lily
        
        if i didn't validate, experiences, help her
        
        tough situation
        
        torn
        
        i care about both fed and yvonne a lot
        
        a lot of guilt
        
        yvonne is too.
        
        i hope that
        
        all passes
        
        i reached out to fed yesterday,
        
        few days ago when it happened
        
        he wanted to be held accountable
        
        he's playing animal crossing
        
        he doesn't like animal crossing
        
        he must be crying
        
        then i cried
        
        really happy he's doing things
        
        ==by the way, this isn't normal, commiserating with someone who supposedly committed sexual abuse on all your friends requires many distances. not checking into his animal crossing town like you actually put in his friend code and saw for yourself. the idea that you can't delete someone in a day, isn't true. most adults break off and seek comfort in the solo dolo, lonely life, because that's far more emotionally engaging for the idea of a new chapter.==
        
        4:39
        
        he was joking,
        
        squeaky mouse voices
        
        do you hate how i talk?
        
        yeah
        
        so
        
        uh
        
        nice to see him doing things.
        
        taking steps. already
        
        i want him to be well
        
        i want him to get help, similar to albert
        
        #albert
        
        ==boom. admittance of guilt trip. guilt -> power. that's the desired outcome.==
        
        ==the idea that you have to be a parent for someone who has committed sex abuse on your friends is insane. either way, no sex abuse, why is it your business anyway? you're not his mother. you're his girlfriend, you just like the taste, and you got it. chumminess is the best when you get what you want both ways.==
        
        5:05
        
        truly
        
        come back even better
        
        150% believe this
        
        if he needs help, i'll be here
        
        i still struggle with a lot of guilt ==she really did, does love fed. she just loves someone much much more.==
      - i really loved him 5:30 crys
        
        fed
    - moving on
  - i was up late
- shit storm
  - conclusion
    - happening to us
      - everyone is a real person
        
        dealing with real situations
      - we're all trying our best,
        
        everyone
      - the accuse,
        
        the accuser ==cope, rationalizing her bullshit. she knows what she did.==
        
        no matter what position
        
        comment on it
      - stream it
    - upvote
      - retweet
        
        whatever
        
        we're all degenerates together, we're all shit, trying not to be shit, life goes on ==it's always about being degenerate. the world doesn't function like this, and people exactly like lily are thrusted from their position of authority everyday. no different than a catholic priest & their paedophilic binge. the premises may differ, but the principle, the human element is all the same.==
        
        it is what it is 6:29 ==acceptance of her bullshit. thought terminated, thot terminated.==
        
        it's
        
        i don't know
      - right
    - ahhhhhhh
      - i have to give shoutouts to some people
        
        ==why are we celebrating a rape case? this is how people want current day to unfold, they may not think that, but the impass is identical to this one. continuity. one OfflineTV can't live with, can't live without. the labyrinth of duplicity, gatekeeping, webbing. albert was c celebration, so is all of lily's music related to people being used and abused, or killing a bunch of faeries at the comfy cafe.==
        
        ==shoutouts to all the dead faeries, shout out mom before i drink this, this one's for you. i hate the violin==
      - because
        
        if it weren't for them
        
        i've been going crazy
        
        i can't trust myself
        
        i can't trust my own mind
        
        that feeling is so bad
        
        anyway
        
        Dr K
        
        i messaged him that day
        
        i'm going through a lot of things
        
        i appreciate your perspective
        
        10am, 11am
        
        free today at 2?
        
        that's in 3 hours 7:20
        
        he actually talked to me
        
        that day
        
        you don't need to pay ==so, the initial point, the freudian if you will, is about money in relation to his psychiatry. doctor who? doctor payday.==
        
        entire situation of people taking advantage of others
        
        when you're like this how could i accept payment
        
        i won't accept money, in the future i will
        
        human to human,
        
        perspective
        
        i really appreciate him talking to me
        
        amazing person
        
        he carved out time
        
        sort out of my mind
        
        people telling me things
        
        drinks
        
        toast #Toast - 8:20 ==notice the voice inflection, and how she fries her voice when she's hyping him up==
        
        he cares a lot
        
        obviously
        
        he propels things forward
        
        out of care and concern pretentious
        
        care for all his friends
        
        really really good person
        
        Scarra #scarra
        
        asked scarra a bunch of questions
        
        voice of reasons and questions
        
        scarra doesn't bullshit
        
        he will tell you aas it is
        
        i really needed that
        
        i can trust him.
        
        scarra helped me a lot
        
        he's #god
        
        it's like i'm talking to him
        
        it's a drawing of him
        
        ==god in the form of art? sounds familiar.==

9:19 - Poki's statement, she's been holding it in for years and years

part of the reason she felt bad for the hate
- yvonne and i are getting
  - that was very brave of her holding that in for years.
    - ==so it's characterized as brave for holding something so traumatic in for years? seems to me it's the opposite. overcoming trauma is possible, but when you're actively creating more insidious trauma or potential harmful events, then it's impossible to overcome trauma. trauma is a backlog of memories and experiences that haven't processed, period. if you're calling friends brave for holding in trauma, for years no less, you're actively hampering their development and growth into become a happy and fulfilled person.==

9:26 - Steven drove over at 4:00am

Steven, I'm going fucking crazy
- chocolate almonds
  - you're not crazy
    - walking through in a logical way
      - if not scarra, then steven
        
        steven wouldn't bullshit me
      - if steven and scarra are both telling me
        
        similar things, they have a point
      - my judgment
        
        isn't the best, haven't been the best regarding other stuff
    - yvonne someday will still doubt herself and feel bad
      - but
        
        all her friends standby here
        
        it wasn't easay
        
        aria
        
        koo-koo
        
        baked me cookies
        
        i wasn't eating
        
        aria is a real homie
        
        she's been there for me, literally everything 10:52 aria
        
        real homey.
        
        michael
        
        michael
        
        stayed with up with me all night,
        
        made sure i was ok
        
        there for me
        
        reassured me
        
        overall reminded me why i loved him so much
        
        damn i knew i loved you
        
        god i really love you
        
        holy shit
        
        i'm really thankful for michael
        
        yeah
        
        past few days, lot of downs
        
        sigh
        
        i hope that made sense
        
        sense?
        
        some people reached out to you
      - my brain is still scrambled
    - cliche things, i'm saying them
      - i'm not perfect
        
        bark bark bark dogs in background
        
        this isn't helping
        
        temmie come here
        
        ==pretty cold considering they're your dogs, they're barking. you're suppose to be having a heartfelt talk, the dogs are just doing their thing. sometimes interruptions telegraph your actual internal state.==
        
        temmie too, my brain,
      - say
    - cliche
      - i'm not perfect
      - i make mistakes
      - i have made mistakes
        
        i'm trying not to blame myself
        
        my brain is fucked
        
        i keep blaming myself
        
        i stilll believe i shouldn't have made certain things public
        
        i still believe this ==image quandary, standard.==
        
        difference
        
        between
        
        wanting to share
        
        &
        
        not wanting hate
        
        i feel that is naive
        
        yeah
        
        yeah
        
        should know better
        
        other cliche things
        
        please don't send hate
        
        i feel like my actions should speak louder than words
      - i'm going to try to be a better person.
        
        i'm trying really hard to not blame myself.
        
        ==strange. how can you be blaming yourself so much for a something that came off as a rogue actor that's not you. that's a mighty fine guilty conscious for something you seemingly had little part in. at least on the most charitable level possible, which is what everyone gives you.==
        
        i'm trying to stop it
      - it's not bad to be a better person
        
        we should all be that
      - i'm trying not not not not not
    - apologize
      - it's hard, it's hard
        
        ==why think that you need apologize, period?==
      - 14:00
    - yvonne and scarra enter lily's room
  - temmie
    - that's who were here for
      - scarra do you like how i have a picture of you
        
        that's kim jong un
      - it helps me!
        
        scarra!
        
        if i have trouble speaking, scarra is there
        
        that's not me
        
        i want a scarra poster in my room
        
        what would scarra say?
        
        do it based on him
        
        scarra will become my moral compass
        
        ==easy web. scarra = moral compass, quite literally.==
        
        14:56
        
        scarra yvonne leave
        
        i don't want temmie
      - ok
    - excited for them to leave. lol
  - trust me
- everyone in the house
  - has not gotten enough sleep
    - gathered, talked
      - very nuanced situation
        
        ==it's not nuanced though, is it? just because there's a backlog of text, video, doesn't mean it's complicated. it's convoluted, maybe. sounds familiar. my relationship with imane isn't complicated. i still love the girl. it's drenched in convolution, there's a huge distinction. there's love, and there isn't love. just because you claim to love somebody and your actions speak the complete opposite, doesn't mean that's your love to have. my actions, or in this case words, dust, shown a consistent pattern of a warm love, not the cold web of lies, and duplicity. the coldness in my heart stems from you. kill all the girls, if i recall? that was the crux of my outburst. that's not mine. i have a very healthy relationship with women, and i always have. it's simply put to the test on the daily. which is why i finesse in the first place, i care about these girls.==
      - feels so hypocritical of me to say
        
        genuinely
        
        sighhhhhh ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
        
        i'm the least confrontational 16:04
        
        i'm so conflict averse ==this isn't anything to be a proud. it helps you have co-conspirators to do it for you. your conflict averse nature is what got you here. it's an unhealthy level of delusion that imane agrees with one or another.==
        
        clouds my judgment
        
        everyone wants to get along, i want
        
        it's so ingrained in me
        
        anyway
        
        it's nuanced, but it's hard with the internet and stuff
        
        i could go on
        
        he said she said
        
        in the end
        
        ultimate, ==strange ultimatum. 16:40==
        
        we're all degenerates together
        
        i think
        
        one lesson
        
        i'm going to trust my friends a lot more ==duplicity
        
        i'm going to trust scarra
        
        steven
        
        yvonne
        
        aria
        
        toast
        
        they're all wonderful people
        
        who have
        
        they're very good people
        
        i should believe them
        
        when they tell me things
        
        "no you're wrong"
        
        guys are just saying that im a terrible person etc.
        
        mute them,
        
        instead of believing them
        
        a tiny portion of the internet
        
        ==ironic how she loves my old twitter account @sym1e that's a tiny portion of the internet. silence, i suppose.==
        
        it's hard not to apologize
        
        i'm trying really hard
        
        this is ingrained in me
        
        i've been realizing
        
        how unnecessarily apologetic i am
        
        it's really hard
        
        what i should apologize for
        
        even though i should apologize for something
        
        if you apologize for everything, what are you really apologizing for
        
        shoutout to Destiny's offline chat
        
        ==hey that's me==
        
        i popped in there the other day
        
        i just talked to them
        
        it really cheered me up
        
        talking to them,
        
        i was crying while talking to them
        
        really emotional
        
        in terms of everything
        
        degenerates ==there it is==
        
        yee or pepe
        
        ok,
        
        pepe is superior
        
        count us down for a blubstiny
        
        they're so endearing
        
        crying laughing
        
        pepe is bad
        
        these don't make any sense to those who aren't in that chat
        
        it's so cute
        
        i want to give them a shoutout
        
        ==steven, the backdoor. well played, sir. that's how it played out, but you were just being a good friend.==
        
        i had a rough skeleton
        
        steven looked it over for me
        
        respect for scarra grew in the past days.
        
        ==lily doesn't respect scarra whatsoever. we all know this.==
        
        logic
        
        facts
        
        his objective opinion ==destiny? or scarra? michael, toast?"==
        
        these people will tell me if i'm being a shithead
        
        i hope i
        
        regardless of what i say today
        
        these are my true feelings
        
        that's all i can say
        
        honestly i,
        
        i might need a few more days off streaming
        
        talk more
        
        sort of my feelings
        
        just
        
        just
        
        just
        
        yeah
        
        stuff like that
        
        i'm not apologizing for it
        
        i make my own scheduling
        
        when i feel better
        
        i don't mean the fuck you part 21:46
      - ==fuck you? no, fuck you. that's fairly heartfelt. these are your true feelings.==
    - i'll be back on Sunday, I don't want to delay DnD anymore.
      - 3pm
        
        earlier if that's great, that's because i feel better
        
        take my time
        
        do what's best for me, and no one else
        
        i think that's all
        
        i feel a lot better.

still trying to love somebody so far gone, such that no one can ever get to her. it's really bad after a cursory glance. she won't improve, like i thought, at least not living the LA girl high life. since i know she's so far gone, it makes it more interesting, for me. not others. the problem at the moment is that my life is a nightmare, this week sucked. goodnight. ~ 2024-07-14 12:36am, 12:38am

it's only going to get worse. i do believe that, too. not for me, i always come around. or could be for me i guess too, who knows? this woman could get violent unironically if someone's isolated enough. the break up is just another power move, and it shouldn't be seen as anything else. it's her narrative. stay close to her, to protect others, that's how fucking sad it is.

i love you rachel, you are everything i want in life

#equivocal #ambiguity #splitting #split #🪞 #🌪 #🐢 #narrative

conversations with my "ex" "girlfriend" today

Fun Game: Check off which one you think is closest to reality:

imane anys is tanner's

girlfriend
ex-girlfriend
neither

what do you think the poll would say?

0/100?,
50/50?,
30/70?,
70/30?,
100/0?
- I think it'd be some form of 70/30 split? majority ex.
  - maybe not though, the break up doesn't make any sense.
    - "the real world" you tend to break up over a message, or face to face.
      - i think most people would even reject the idea of a delayed breakup via a youtube video that's meant for an audience. it's absurd, but. that's where we're at.

TLDR IF U WANT TO GO TO SLEEP IM SICK OF MY LIFE BEING A FUCKING SPLITTING SCENARIO ALL THE TIME JESUS FUCKING CHRIST AS FAR AS IM CONCERNED THE RECORDINGS ARE ARCHAIC AND A HOLDOVER FROM A WOMAN WHOSE ABANDONMENT ISSUES ARE SO SEVERE IT'D TAKE DR HOUSE MD TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT

Imane's Narrative Design - Toxic Spl/itting

2024-07-13 aka, splitting is my language because I've never felt control, and my situation encourages it, or permits it gracefully.

aka preparing imane for her doctor's appointment, in the year 2032, so none of us has to deal with this annoying bitch and she can come back to life without being pushed around.

==from quick research: by letting her break up on youtube, it's only worse, just a heads up. not looking good.== 2024-07-14

#Distortion #Cognitive_Distortion #Perception #Ideal #Value #Loyal #Loyalty #Marriage #Babies

Mechanism: Sl/e/i/ght

Individual will perceive something in contradiction to their image of self/close person
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC11114086/
-> a slight or simple perceived attempt at abandonment.
- or
feeling of unwanted attraction
- so,
- idealization #flirt #attraction #MichaelReeves
  - &
- devaluation
  - means that,
    - there is polarization in not only an individual's self model
      - but,
    - also their own self model.

#Fantasy #Manipulation #Cold #Calculated #Detached

Embellishment: Invention Artist

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3575083/
invention of greviances
- garnering: an emotional response
  - from those around them
- that they feel matches their own distress at the situation
- ==she's getting worse, not better.==
  - more valuable the social bond is to be preserved? ☑ #Friends - whatever she has left
    - or
  - higher general need for social acceptance ☑ #YouTube
    - ->
      - the higher the probability that they engage in psychologically abusive behavior ☑ #Bleak she's stewing. no one can save her.

2024-07-14 ~ 12:06am going to sleep, because i need it. goodnight.

Management - we do what we must because we can

2024-07-14 ~ 12:14am, 12:33am

 
#### ANALOGY REPO:
#### Problem Solving is a sin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Black or white, it doesn't matter. That's what it is. ===Exapnd===

Our stomachs are highly acidic. ???? ===Expand===

Soap is both hydrophillic-hydrophobic. Head-Tail. ===Expand===

Nuance. ===Expand===



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Basically Imane has BPD and this is my BPD research page now. It was only a matter a time I suppose. Don't take it personally, sweetheart.

For future love for Imane.

finesse # noun

fi·nesse
1.
 refinement or delicacy of workmanship, structure, or texture

2.
 skillful handling of a situation / adroit maneuvering

#finesse I'm pretty refined in bullshit, so I can wait for y'all read this dogshit so it can fly away one day I never have to think about it again. Because Imane is a black hole and the more you talk about her, the happier she gets.

#i_want_to_fuck_pokimane i'm just here so i can get the chance to have sex with pokimane, that's what my vault is exclusively, and some bullshit recordings.

#tipping_point #repulsive #🪞 #☣ #Value #dissonance #business don't mind me just trying to make this as toxic as possible, i can finesse this forever. do you want me to? let's find out. my goal is to make this so toxic, annoying, repulsive, and also real, such that everyone will hate it. this vault has never been more toxic, and i think i'm going to get comfy. here's more worthless words for Imane Anys, the proud slave owner. it's the gift that keeps on giving. this vault is worthless to me as well, so let's it worthless proper.

any other news outlets i can hit up, i already sent messages to dexerto, weeks ago. no response wtf?

This looks good. https://metro.co.uk/2024/07/09/pokimane-details-latest-breakup-secret-ex-21192525/

This looks good. https://www.msn.com/en-ca/news/world/pokimane-details-her-latest-breakup-but-who-is-her-secret-ex/ar-BB1pFT99

https://metro.co.uk/2024/02/01/pokimane-says-left-twitch-youtube-male-toxicity-20206180/
OH EM GEE SO MUCH MANSOPHERE SHIT!!!!

Remember guys, women can't be toxic and are pristine breeding, marriage ready, baby producers who can do no harm. It's ironic because she is the women-sphere.

#desperate #probability ==I'm only writing this on the 0.0000000001% imane fucks me, and sends me a message that makes cum buckets, TONIGHT! YES I AM A WRITER LOOK AT ME WRITE I AM MONKEY DESIGNED TO WRITE FOR THE CHANCE AT A MESSAGE!==

Some quotes:

#incoherent #detached #out_of_touch #ambiuguous #duplicity #equivocal

‘For the last couple of years, is it just me or do you guys also feel like it has regressed a lot? Especially with the rise of so much manosphere, red pill, bulls***. I feel like that stuff has flourished within the male-dominated live streaming sphere. I can’t be surprised. It’s the online demographic that skews males the most, so of course manosphere stuff would perform better there.

Regression.

re·gres·sion

1.
a return to a former or less developed state.


2.
a return to an earlier stage of life or a supposed previous life, especially through hypnosis or mental illness, or as a means of escaping present anxieties.

Flourish


verb.

1. 
To develop or progress rapidly and successfully

2.✅✅✅
To (excessively) boast about one's accomplishments, qualities, or possessions

3.✅
To exist in abundance

4.
To have an exciting or fulfilling life

_____

noun.

1. ✅✅✅✅✅
a bold or extravagant gesture or action, made especially to attract the attention of others.


2.
an instance of suddenly performing or developing in an impressively successful way.

The most vague take, she doesn't even know what the manosphere is. Are we talking fresh and fit? Honestly that's really only mansophere shit I know and I'm pretty clued in for the most part. There's Sneako, I guess this is mostly in reference to the Tate era, but that wasn't even on Twitch. Also Sneako is on Rumble and so is Fresh & Fit. What manosphere are we yappin about here?

‘But it was just disappointing seeing this community and industry that I have so much love for relish, almost, in this s***. So many of the things I see… figureheads in my industry, the most popular, well established, typically male, creators… some of the stuff I see them say and do breaks my heart. It’s hard for me to exist in a community and watch that happen.’

Relish.

noun.

1.
A piquant sauce or pickle eaten with plain food to add flavor


2.
The act or state of greatly enjoying or finding satisfaction in something

3.
A fondness or positive regard for something

____

verb.

1. ✅ jealousy
To take great pleasure or satisfaction in something

2. ✅ jealousy
To anticipate something with great eagerness

Does she even eat relish, bro? She didn't even say anything. In fact, the condiment part of it was the most coherent.

Personally, I hate existing in a world were people can promote themselves as one thing, when they're not at all. At least when I watch Fresh and Fit, I know that they're both unbelievably deranged, and love it. Pokimane's brand is being a woman. Not much more. Fresh and Fit's brand is good. Fuck the ethical.

Please imane fuck me. I'm desperate you love desperate boys. Perfect prey to manipulate. Please fuck me your eyes are so pretty and I wanna fuck you.

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